The Angela In Our Lives

What’s with the pinoy label of the mother being “ilaw ng tahanan” and the father being “haligi ng tahanan”? In the absence of either one, it’s hard to keep a balance in the home. In the absence of both, much harder still… or no balance at all. There may be caregivers for our kids left back home (lolo and lola, tito and tita) to take over our responsibilities in our absence but they can never take our place as parents. Substitute, yes. The substitute ilaw ng tahanan may not radiate light as bright as the real mom, like candle in place of a light bulb. The substitute haligi ng tahanan may not be as sturdy as the real dad, like a substitute wooden post for bricks. Never the same. There’s always a void, a vacuum waiting to be filled up in the longing child… hungry for paternal care, aching for maternal care. The child’s emotional imbalance remains undetected… until it’s too late.

Amy Gunnacao’s “In Memory of Angela” in our cover story on TF Newsmag for November nudges us to re-examine our choices and redefine our goals. “To provide a better future for our family” — isn’t that every overseas Filipino workers’ (OFWs) purpose in braving foreign lands? A better future in terms of what? A better education for an OFW child than that of the undergraduate OFW parent. A better and comfortable lifestyle for an OFW child compared with that of the OFW mom/dad who grew up lacking in the basic necessities of life. A better job for the OFW child than that of the OFW who scrubs toilet bowls and foreign butts, who chauffeurs night owl bosses, who operates dangerous machineries and toils on backbreaking jobs. A better future for the Angela in our lives. We stuff Angela’s pocket with cash and gadgets. What about the deposits of faith we’re supposed to place in her heart? Do we reach out far enough to make her feel she’s deeply loved despite our physical absence and geographical gap? Are we certain we’re not drilling large holes in our child’s heart?

OFW parents tend to overcompensate and spoil the child with material things. We fail to realize that other things may be more important — like showing a genuine interest in what concerns our kid and giving our focused, undivided attention. And that is possible through the wires, through letters, and other various ways of getting in touch. Not all OFW children live in comfort the way Angela was provided for by her OFW parents. Financial needs are still not being met in many OFW families and the child has to deal with this as he has to with the emotional needs of being separated from the OFW parent. The psychological impact on an OFW child leaves the deepest mark… It either builds or breaks a character. How we deal with our child now would greatly influence her future. The “better future” we’re so keen on preparing for the family may not come if our parenting system is flawed. We’d wonder if something is wrong with our ways when we see signs of rebellion or when our child’s being withdrawn. We don’t ignore the signs and dismiss it as growing pains. We try our darnedest to communicate – really communicate – and delve deep into the kid’s issues. We connect.

While a light overhead can illuminate every nook and cranny of the room, a candle’s blaze only brightens a corner of it, leaving sore, dark spots. We need not dump the bulk of the responsibility of raising our child in the hands of the caregivers back home. Showing that we’re very involved and so much a part of his/her everyday life will do a great deal of good, a better future is at hand.

Author: Joy Marqueses