Letting Go

I saw myself walking down the beach; my feet were touching the floury sand, hand in hand with the cold and lonely night.

I was all alone...

As another puff of freezing wind blew my face, tears start rolling down my cheeks. I wonder why I cried when I was alone.

I sat on the sand and pondered for answer but all I heard was silence. I could not understand why up to now I still have not learned to be alone. The tears I felt falling on my cheeks was profuse they rolled continuously.

Suddenly, I heard a voice calling. It called my name. I looked back. It was a blur, all I saw was a man from a distance waving to me. And as he drew near me, he smiled while putting his arms around my shoulders. I felt so weird, but I gave in, for I needed a friend at that time. We went walking with our hands clasped together. The grip of his hands was strong, so strong to catch me if I fall.

He led me to a house, full of daffodils around the ground. The scent of the fresh green grass swayed and danced in the wind. I felt the warm caress of the air as I entered the house full of glaring lights. My spirit exalted. The coldness I felt slowly faded as the warmth of joy greeted me.

He took my hand and showed me around the house. It was full of people dancing,with smiles gleaming on their faces. Everyone was happy and I was happy too.

I danced all night with the man I met on the beach. His eyes stared like an angel. Though he was a stranger, all that mattered was the gladness he gave me. He was like a prince, he held me differently, in my mind and in my heart, and I knew I would fall for him.

We stopped dancing, and went out from the house. He asked me to the grass while looking at the stars. He turned to me, as if he wanted to say something. He held my hand tightly, stroked my hair and touched my face. I gave him a bemusing look. Then the music from the house stopped. A big roar was heard from the sky, then, he placed his arms around me and gave a kiss and cheerful smile and said, "It's gonna be okay, I'm here!"

I closed my eyes to feel him and tried to retain this in my heart.

I opened my eyes and found myself lying in the beach. There was no house, no daffodils, no dancing people, and worst still, he was not there.

I thought I had him.... I was wrong. Tears began to roll down, I closed my eyes to stop them from falling and was startled because I felt his lips on my forehead. I opened my eyes excitedly. Only to find out he was not with me. Again, I am alone.

I closed my eyes again and felt his presence so passionately. Then, I woke up from my dream.

This morning, I understood why I needed to cry. It was the pain of letting go, of realizing that he was just a dream and can never be true.

I want to stay and wait for his presence but it is time for me to let go and accept that he was just a dream, my fantasy. Yet I am thankful, for in my loneliness he came and made me feel he was right for me -- forever in my dreams.

Author: Feme Delmonte

The One

"This story of overseas Workers, Migrant labor, Contract Labor – however they may be labeled – people looking for a better opportunity at HONEST LABOR- seems similar to the Silver People here in Panama. People are still searching for relatives lost a century ago when they took ship to come to Panama to work on the Panama Canal – never to be heard from again." -- Lydia Cortes Reid, Editor, The Silver People Chronicle


The caption above is a comment from the Editor of The Silver People Chronicle based in Panama who read my article "Casualties of War" (Knockin' on Heaven's Door, TF November edition) through the blog site of our Editorial Assistant, Joy Marqueses. As an outspoken critic of the ills of the Philippine Society – of how badly it has turned out through the years – I felt sad yet somehow elated of what Ms Reid is trying to impart. Sad because as Overseas Workers we can relate partly to what Ms Reid's migrant worker-ancestors' tragic experiences had 100 years ago and yet elated because at least nowadays even if we have "fallen" workers, modern technology allow us to identify causes of their misfortunes and transport their remains back home. Napakasakit talagang mawalan ng minamahal, subalit mas masakit and 'di mo man lang masilayan and kanyang labi, 'di ba? One of my cousin back in the 70's was a seaman and was declared missing when their ship sunk somewhere in the seas of Africa. Up to this day, my Aunt refuses to believe that he died and she never stopped dreaming that one day my cousin, Eddie, will come back.

As I started my career in publication 5 years ago, I never stopped dreaming too. I am still hoping that my thoughts, especially my clamor for decent and sincere governance from our leaders back home, would somehow inspire many of my co-workers to be vocal and express their sentiments too. I am also fully aware of what little we could achieve because of our limitations. Our voices of gripes might not even reach the gates of Malacanang. As I begin to contemplate that perhaps our generation of OFWs is not destined to start the "wind of change" that our country badly needs to get back to its feet, something promising happened a month ago that renewed my hopes.

One Sunday afternoon of December 21, 2009 in North Point, being one the invited guests in the celebration of the 16^th Anniversary of the Bohol Hong Kong Association headed by Flor Virtoudazo, I was by chance arranged to sit beside their special guest – Cesar Montano and his wife Sunshine Cruz. My short chat with Cesar Montano brought surprising realities of our bloodlines – he is my cousin – somewhere in the 3^rd or 4^th degree. However, my amusement did not stop there for when he took the stage, to everybody's delight, he spoke not just of mere celebrity stuff to entertain the HK Boholanos & their visitors but rather about his humble beginnings; his plans for his home province – Bohol; his vision for the youth and so on. I was not only impressed. I was mesmerized not by his celebrity charm but rather his intellect and the strong values that is rare among stars of his stature.

A natural-born Leader
A quiet dinner with the couple the following night revealed more interesting character of the man. He spoke of his priority projects to build sporting facilities for kids, believing that a young man's "idle mind is a devil's workshop". His ideas of how to transform Bohol into a premier tourist destination and investment paradise is not only practical but realistic in my view. After all, he has a reputable track record in Bohol when he filmed his much acclaimed movie: "Panaghoy sa Suba" entirely in Bohol - bringing prestige and revenues to this island-province. His impressive knowledge in Philippine history surprised us at the dinner table that night. His outstanding portrayal of Jose Rizal must have rubbed him that special aura of nationalism and pride. A non-smoker and non-drinker, he turned down a lucrative endorsement from a giant alcoholic drink industry to the tune of P10million pesos. His explanation was simple, "How can I reprimand my children when I see them smoking or drinking if they would counter by saying that I endorse those products to the public".

This man has balls.
Since he publicly declared his intentions to run as governor of Bohol, I asked him in an alarming tone the dangers he will be facing especially from the more established political clans in the province. To which he replied; "Sinabihan ko sila (referring to Bohol's local politicos) na I will work with them as long as they invest their wealth and create jobs for our people. But once, they exploit its resources and bring elsewhere its revenues, I will fight them!" Behind that baby face and sweet smile is a fighter.

A fighter for OFWs
Being critical of the government and consistently encouraging my fellow OFWs to voice out their dissatisfaction to the excesses of our government, I cannot resist from pouring my sentiments to "Buboy". I told him that many among us feel funny about being labeled "Bagong Bayani". The truth is parang pang-uto lang ng mga politico. We don't feel its meaning when we go home. Many among us, especially those from the domestic workers' sector, still suffer the same humiliation and discrimination at the arrival sa airport pa lang. We are victims of impractical policies and bureaucratic red tapes tuwing umuuwi at umaalis. Again, to my surprise, Buboy talks about the need for a strong OFW body that could represent its interest in the higher echelon of the government (tulad ng sa Kongreso). Kailangan din daw na magkaroon ng isang seryosong pananaliksik kung paano makapagtapos ang mga undergrads o kaya'y makapag-take ng board ang mga hindi pa lisensyado habang nasa "Tour of Duty". Kung ano-ano pa raw na re-integration program ang pinagkakagastusan, samantalang kung magagawang mapagtatapos ang mga "undergrads at underboards", the country will not only benefit from their professional skills but will also create more business as returning OFWs are financially capable of creating medium-size businesses.

For more than 30 years that I lived my life as an OFW, my eyes have painfully witnessed the consistent downslide of our economy and the slow degradation of our moral values. There are times that I am convinced that the "salvation" of our country's woes that can only be delivered by a leader of exceptional character will not be seen in my generation. Today, I stand to be corrected. Cesar "Buboy" Montano is one leader we can bet our children's future and now I believe more than ever that there are more of his kind. Fight for our cause, Buboy, and we will fight for you! You are THE ONE – Mabuhay!

Author: Tony Bartolome
*Published in True Friends Newsmag (January 2009 issue)